Once upon a time there was a girl who could eat anything she wanted and never gain an ounce. And that girl was never me. I think she’s a mythical creature in the same realm as mermaids.

Here is a brief history of my weight, for anyone who is so inclined to want to know about these things, and then what I’m doing about it now.

I have always been bigger. I was 5 foot 6 by the time I was 12. Seriously, I’ve only gained one inch since I was 12. Hannah seems to have my body type. She’s got a big bootie, and last week at her 3 year checkup she was listed as being in the 91st percentile for height and 83rd for weight, according to the WHO.

Anyway, I was athletic – I ice skated competitively until I was 13 – and I never really thought much about it until I stopped skating, and suddenly I couldn’t eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Also, teenage hormones hit. So I ballooned. A healthy weight for me would have been about 145 or so, according to the tables my doctor gave me at the time. I was 172 at age 13.

So I did what any 13 year old girl would do, and I immediately started counting calories. Over summer vacation I lost 20 pounds, and I was stoked. I got down to about 148 or thereabouts.

Then I went up to 160.

Okay, so yo yo weight back and forth through high school, getting up to 180, then back to 160, then back and forth and forth and back.

I haven’t weighed less than 180 pounds since 2000, and I haven’t weighed less than 200 pounds since 2002. 

My highest non pregnant weight was in 2010 at a whopping 250 pounds just after my second pregnancy loss. I lost 3o pounds on my own before getting pregnant again, and then ballooned up to about 275 (I stopped looking at the scale at my appointments after week 36, so I have no idea what I got to in those last 2 weeks).

I got back to my pre-pregnant weight of around 230 pounds pretty easily, but since then I’ve struggled to lose more weight.

This year in Spain was meant to be The Year Heather Got Fit. And, the way so many of our plans in Spain have, it didn’t quite go that way. Oh, it started out innocently enough. I instagrammed all my food. I kept a complete food journal. All of that stuff.

And then after about a month, it all just disappeared. Then autumn came, which, even in Spain means that there is much drinking of hot cocoa, and much eating of brownies. I have so much emotion wrapped up in food. The idea of going through an autumn without making fresh cinnamon buns weekly seems so pointless. Like, what’s the use? What’s the point of it all if you can’t have fresh cinnamon rolls all the time when it’s chilly outside?

So yeah, we made it all the way through the year and I actually wound up being about 3 pounds heavier than I was when I came here.

And so, I joined Weight Watchers a few weeks ago. The online version, with online coaching available.

Just the idea that I have paid for this, that there’s some accountability involved, that makes it seem more real. Hubby goes to AA meetings, and I recognize many of the same feelings he has about alcohol in my feelings about food. I mean, really, what is the point of autumn without pumpkin spice lattes? No, but really, I’m serious.

(Yes, I know, living a long life and seeing my daughter become a grandmother). (To not have sore knees). (To not get diabetes). (Lots of reasons). (But still.)

I went to Overeaters Anonymous meetings back around 2002, and I’m going to start going back. At the time I was more judgmental than anything else, watching people share and thinking, “these people all have such issues.” Now, through hubby’s work in AA, I know to look for the similarities, not the differences.

I now know that I’m unable to lose this weight on my own. I’ve been trying for the past 20 years, and it’s just not working. And so, I’m going to OA, I’m doing WW, I’m holding myself accountable. 2017 will not be another year where I vow to lose 50 pounds. 2017 will be a year where I vow to lose the last 20. 

So one of the things I’m going to be writing about here is my journey with food. My weigh-in day on WW is Mondays, and I’m thinking that I should post about my weight journey here by Friday, to give me a little bit more accountability, and gear me up for a good weekend.

This is what I’m going to use as my “before” picture. It’s me in Morocco about 2 months ago. I’m down about 10 pounds since then, thanks to WW. What really bums me out is that this is a gorgeous picture of me in the Medina, and I look like a whale. Okay, so the top isn’t the most flattering. But still.

 

 

 

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