I am trying to check in once a week, logging my entrepreneurial activities, and the growth of my nascent business. Normally I would do this on a Saturday morning for the week previous, but this past Saturday got off kilter (young children have that power), and so here I am now.

I am realizing more and more that the reasons why I haven’t been successful as an entrepreneur before have nothing to do with my abilities or brains, but everything to do with my feelings that I don’t deserve it.

People where I grew up don’t just make a living from being an online entrepreneur who shares history, music, and travel. As my dad said to me once, early on when I was about 24 and wanted to become an online entrepreneur so that I could work from anywhere, “everybody wants that. What makes you feel like you’re so special?”

Touche.

So I got good jobs. I got steady jobs. I relegated my passions – writing, podcasting, history, music – to the “hobby” file. Nice to do, when I had the time, but not really something I can devote my life to.

Because that’s what people like me are born into, and deserve. Other people can do their passions for work. People who are born into money, or went to a really good school. People who have society connections so they can get patrons. Not people like me, from good Pennsylvania German stock. We work. It’s what we do.

As I do more work with the Law of Attraction, woo-woo head-space manifesting work, I see that in so many ways I have been repelling money from my entrepreneurial activities. I’ve had ideas that I did nothing with. I’ve pursued ideas only to drop them just as success was coming.

I haven’t put myself out there because of fear of what others would think of me. Really? I’m going to let a stranger’s opinion of me determine the level of passion with which I pursue my dream? I’m going to let a stranger’s opinion of me decide whether I do or don’t get to live the life of my dreams? Are you kidding me?

I’ve been doing a lot of online courses in the past year. Tribe Writers from Jeff Goins, the Leonie Dawson Shining Academy, Jen Sincero’s Badass Coaching program, I hired a business coach, and now I’m doing the Money Bootcamp from Denise Duffield-Thomas, and Mike Dooley’s Playing the Matrix.

You could say I’ve become an online coaching junkie.

But I’m getting something different and unique from each of these programs, and I know that they were brought into my life for a reason. The biggest thing I am getting from each of them is the grounding and knowledge that I am part of the universe. I have always known it, but there’s a difference between knowing, and really “getting” it. I “know” how to lose weight. Doesn’t mean I do it, or really believe I can.

Same thing. I’ve always known I was part of the universe. But in just the past few weeks I am really getting how connected I am to Source, to everything in the universe, and how I can work with Source energy to make my dreams come true.

Not only that, but because I am part of Source, and Source is part of me, my dreams are Source’s dreams. I was given these dreams by Source, and the universe wants nothing more than for me to actively pursue them. The universe will move mountains in order for me to pursue the life of my dreams.

I wholly believe this now.

Every morning I do Morning Pages. I’ve said that before. The new part I’ve put in is having an actual conversation with the universe. I write my questions, the universe writes back. I write my insecurities, the universe tells me what’s up. We go on like this for 3 pages or so, and by the end I’m feeling way more connected and grounded, and feeling powerful, and ready to take on the day.

In the past I’ve shied away from doing this kind of activity, feeling like I was talking to myself. How can I know it’s the universe, I wondered. It sounds like me. It’s probably just me talking to myself.

But. I AM the universe. So when I talk to myself, to those deepest, wisest parts, the parts that don’t surface as much as I’d like them to – when I talk to those parts, and give those parts voice, that IS the universe talking. That is my deepest, wisest self, the self that is fully in touch with her power, and has a million gazillion years worth of wisdom in her pinky finger. When I give her voice, I feel amazing, and like I can conquer anything.

So I am working on exercising my manifesting muscle. Last week I said I wanted to manifest three of my books sold. I did that. I also said I wanted to manifest 32 people to my email list (an increase of 10%). I didn’t do that. I said I wanted to manifest $500 from my business, and I didn’t do that.

I did: write an article on medium about my self publishing lessons so far, which was featured in the Art+Marketing publication. Completed and produced a Virtual Tour of Cambridge. Created coloring pages for my October giveaway for my newsletter. Started working on InDesign for my planner I’m building. Announced it all in my newsletter. I hit 10k steps every day. It was a good week.

Baby steps. We’re getting there. In a few years when I’m able to manifest $500 in a matter of hours, I will look back on this and smile at the me I was before I stepped into this greater adventure. I’m becoming a butterfly over here. One day, one product, one newsletter at a time. With magic, and fun, and laughter along the way. Weeeeee!

 

 

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